i feel terrible. not sickly. just low. loowwwww. i feel like i am doing a bad job at everything, and if i could leave and go home, i probably would. i am so tired. i don't like doing a bad job at everything. i like knowing what i'm supposed to be doing. having a plan. making decisions. following through. i want to be with pam and have her hold me and tell me everything is ok, but she is sitting in class more than a thousand miles away, and i have to be at youth group tonight because, um, i run the youth group show, poorly or not.

there is this one guy i know from the drop in. he is the closest person that i know to a prophet. maybe prophet is the wrong word. but he does remind me about God and believing in Him. he is always asking me questions about the resurrection. it is hard to make out what he says, but i usually get it after a few trys. and then, after i answer his question (how long will it take to get to heaven when jesus comes back? are we really going to be all-new? will i see my parents there? when is he coming, soon?) he gets this huge grin on his face, he gets all excited. hope is so real and powerful to him. it is alive. it changes him. he always reminds me how good it will be when the rule of God takes over this world fully and completely. how the poor and broken and dejected will be healed. he makes me want it so badly. i want it very badly.

i am tired, lord, please enter into my life anew and remake it the way you want it. help me to be part of your plan to introduce the inbreak of your kingdom of love and justice to charlottetown and the world. give me the courage to stay strong in the hope that it will really take place and that you really use people like me (and me) to do it.